Incredible Offer – Act Now!

Leaf haters everywhere, I have an unbelievable offer for you. And the best part is - it’s absolutely free!

You are under no further obligation. No salesperson will call.  All you have to do is read this column through to the end and I guarantee you will be utterly flabbergasted as to the long term incompetence of the Stupid leaf in comparison to just one other NHL team.

Just one team, yes, and I’ve chosen the Buffalo Sabres.

The Sabres joined the NHL for the 1970-71 NHL season and in 33 year Buffalo Sabre history, the Stupid, putrid leaf, in comparison, has reeked like the rotting decomposition of a neglected leaf compost heap.

Neither the leaf nor the Sabres have won the Stanley Cup in this time, but I want to demonstrate how a genuine franchise goes about making a respectable effort to build a winning team instead of just making money. I want you to see how the Pros compete with honor and make their fans happy. Unlike the leaf team- building tradition that sees them put up signs on nearby rural roads just outside Toronto each fall reading; “CLEAN FILL ACCEPTED”

Here’s what you’ll receive:

Remember, if you are a true leaf hater like me, there is no obligation. The catch? If you are a Stupid leaf fan, you will cringe, sweat, grind your teeth, feel the shame, break down and possibly slit your wrists. I do hope you will do just that, loser.

Let’s begin: Here are ten ex-Sabres who played either exceptionally well or at least half decently in Buffalo. They also played not as well for the Stupid leaf at some point in their otherwise unblemished NHL hockey careers.

1. Mike Foligno  Ranked 8^th on the Sabre all-time points list with 511 points. Foligno had 8 straight 20+ goal seasons in Buffalo. He never had more than 13 goals in a season as a leaf. Foligno registered 13 playoff goals as a Sabre, only 2 as a leaf. After failing to come close to his previous Sabre numbers n Laffland, he was GONE.

2. Dave Andreychuk  Ranked 2^nd only to Gilbert Perreault in all-time Buffalo Sabre points, Andreychuk racked up most of his 600+ career goals as a Sabre. He did ok in Laffland too. In fact, he was the leafs’ last 50+ goal scorer. Now we can’t have that in Toronto, can we? So Dave was traded to New Jersey for a draft pick, (Marek Posmyk) in 1996. Stupid leaf. I just saw a highlight reel goal by Andreychuk this very week for the Tampa Bay Lightning.  He’s still going strong. Into Laffland for a meaningless mid-career stint was big Dave and then GONE.
3. Craig Muni  Craig, of course is known for the chance he was given in Edmonton to win three Stanley Cups after the Stupid leaf made him their first round draft choice in 1980 and gave him up for nothing because the Oilers signed him as a free agent. In 1993-94 he was an impressive +28 playing defense for the Sabres. In 19 games over four seasons as a stupid leaf, Muni did nothing. GONE.
4. Rene Robert  I think this famed member of Buffalo’s French Connection line must have really hated the leaf. It’s evident from comparing what he accomplished in buffalo as opposed to what he did in Laffland. Here’s the really funny part. Toronto had him first, and gave up on Robert. He ended up in Buffalo where he recorded 552 points, helping the Sabres to reach the Finals in 1975 as part on one of the greatest lines in NHL history. Did the Stupid leaf have a French Connection line? NO! Did they have a Polish Connection line? NO! Robert’s career fizzled out again in Toronto where he did next to nothing in his last 69 NHL games. And then he was GONE.
5. Tom Kurvers  Yet another leaf horror story. Played a part of one decent season as a Sabre then moved on to his greatest success with New Jersey registering 15 points in one playoff year as offensive defensemen. The leaf gave up a first round draft choice for Kurvers. Do you know who that became? None other than three time Stanley Cup winning, stalwart N.J. defenseman, Scott Niedermayer. Kurvers played 89 insignificant games for the Stupid leaf and then was GONE.
6. Benoit Hogue  Benoit was Buffalo’s 2^nd choice, 35^th overall for Buffalo in 1985. He recorded 112 points as a Sabre and moved on and around the league. The leaf took a look. He played just 56 games as a leaf, recorded 43 points and was GONE.
7. Don Luce  Ranking 7^th in all-time Buffalo Sabre history scoring with 526 points, Luce was one of the top defensive centers in the NHL in his time with the Sabres. He won the Masterton Trophy in 1975. No Stupid leaf has ever won the Masterton. Luce ended his career with 39 meaningless games in 1981-82 as a leaf, recording just 8 points and then he was GONE.
8. Phil Housley  Here’s a real beauty. Buffalo’s 1st round draft choice in 1982, Housley, by far, gave his best NHL seasons to the Sabres. As a Buffalo defenseman, he recorded 558 points. That’s tops in all-time Buffalo Sabres history for a d-man. He was acquired at last season’s trade deadline for big Stupid leaf playoff run that did not materialize. In total, he played four games as a leaf and got ZERO points. Now he’s retired and GONE.
9. Alexander Gennadevitch Mogilny  Will he ever reach his potential again as a leaf? I doubt it. This guy once scored 76 goals in a season as a Sabre. He recorded 444 points in Buffalo where he was teamed with talent like Hall of Famer, Pat Lafontaine. I think this guy has lost interest in Laffland. What the hell is this, the freakin’ circus?   -  He too will soon be GONE.
10. Brian Spencer  Do you know the tragic story of ex-leaf draft choice Brian Spencer? I doubt you will believe me, so I want you to follow up for yourself and find out. When the CBC didn’t broadcast the leaf game one night, Spencer’s father went nuts. He was shot dead by the RCMP. After retiring, son Brian Spencer got into drugs. He too was shot dead. GONE. In between, Brian recorded 114 points as a Sabre, but just 30 as a leaf. Sorry leafers, it just really is THAT sad.

Ok, here we go:

Ten terrific reasons why the Sabres have given so much more hockey cheering pleasure to their fans than the Stupid leaf

1. The French Connection. - Gilbert Perreault - 512 goals, 1,326 total points. (No leaf even has 400 goals or even 1,000 points – EVER!)   Rick Martin, 695 points, Rene Robert, 552 points. That’s 2,573 individual regular season scoring points the Stupid leaf had no part of. Sabres rule!

2. The Buffalo Sabres team record in the 70’s: 357-261-132 for 846 points and a winning percentage of .564. The leaf: 337-324-128 for 802 points and a winning percentage of .508. Sabres rule!
3. The Buffalo Sabres team record in the 80’s: 342-267-113 for 797 points and a winning percentage of .552. The leaf: 228-410-87 for 543 points and a winning percentage of just .374. - UNBELIEVABLE that this could happen in Canada’s biggest city.  Sabres rule!
4. The Buffalo Sabres team record in the 90’s: 333-281-112 for 778 points and a winning percentage of .523. The leaf: 319-336-88 for 726 points and a winning percentage of .489. Sabres rule!
5. Two Sabre trips to the Stanley Cup Finals, once in 1975 and the other in 1999. None for the Stupid leaf. The Sabres beat the leaf on the way to the Finals in 1999, 4 games to 1.  Sabres rule!
6. You know how the Sabres have missed the playoffs the last 2 years? Still, in their 33 year history they’ve made the playoffs 25 times. The leaf – 24 times. Sabres rule!
7. Two Calder trophies, G. Perreault, Tom Barrasso, two Hart trophies, D. Hasek (2) – No Calders and no Harts for the leaf in Sabres history.
8. EIGHT Vezina trophy awards for Sabres – Zero for the leaf in Sabre history. Can you believe that?
9. The greatest coach in NHL history, Scotty Bowman won 210 games for the Sabres. He avoided Laffland like the Ebola virus.
10. The average ticket price, including the $U.S. premium was 28% cheaper in Buffalo than in Toronto last season. That’s why every time the leaf plays in Buffalo, a swarm of leafer aphids make the cross-border trek to Sabre land. They almost always return home disappointed because, as promised, here is the all-time leaf record against the Buffalo Sabres as of January 3, 2004. Are you ready?

46-68-18-0

Do you want to know what the Buffalo Sabres all-time record against the leaf is at home in Buffalo? Hold on to your hockey caps:

43-18-6-0

So boys and girls, what team has been the better one to cheer for since 1970?  It’s like I’ve got the spirit of some ex-Sabre looking over me as I write this for you. Maybe Tim Horton?

Stupid leaf.

I hate the leaf
Blow leaf blow

Leafhatred.

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