H.ardly A.ny L.egimate L.eafs of Shame

A national survey conducted by the CBC has confirmed what leaf haters have known all along. By a huge margin, leaf fans represent the segment of the population most likely to make use of penis pumps.

It’s no wonder. For nearly forty years, phallically challenged leafers have been embarrassingly forced to falsely elongate the list of accomplishments from its members. They’ve had to take matters into their own hands and inflate the number of achievements in order to “measure up” to the rest of the NHL.

My Lord, how could I say such things?... It’s easy.

Go to the official Laffland web-site, Mapleleafs.com. On the menu bar, click on Tradition and then All-Time Stats. Then click on  Hall of Famers. 

The first thing you’ll encounter is a feeble excuse by the leaf for the stretched out list of 34 players that follows. The leaf has chosen to recognize, as their own, any skater who played as few as 100 games as a leaf or any goaltender who played 80 games as a leaf. That’s like you or me saying we have co-inhabited with anybody who has ever set foot in our houses, visitors included. 

Anyone with half an ounce of hockey history knowledge will admit the presented list of players superciliously pads the glory of this long-time ordinary franchise. What a joke!

There are at least a dozen former players that appear under the leaf banner who have spent more than half their careers with other teams where they earned their Hall of Fame credentials.  It is a dishonor to these respectable ex-superstars to be included in this vainglorious attempt by the leaf at a stealthy leaf-member expansion program. 

Take a look at some of the player names on the list and then just try and tell me these guys belong in the Hall wearing leaf caps:

 1.  Bud Poile: Norman “Bud” Poile was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1990 as a Builder, not a player. Why would the stupid leaf include him in THEIR list of players. Bud played for the leaf but did not have a Hall of Fame career as a player. Even as a Builder, his accomplishments were elsewhere. Stupid leaf.

 2.  Jacques Plante: Plante won six Stanley Cups, six Vezina trophies and one Hart trophy as a MONTREAL CANADIEN! He only played in parts of three seasons with the leaf towards the end of his career where he never won anything, not even a single playoff game.

 3.  Terry Sawchuk: Sawchuk is the NHL’s all-time career leader in regular season shutouts with 103. But 96 of those shutouts came as a RED WING and a BRUIN before he even donned the leaf uniform, blemishing his spectacular career.

 4.  George Hainsworth: Hainsworth set the NHL single season record by a goaltender with 22 shutouts in 1928-29 as a CANADIEN. He spent most of his career in Montreal where he played for two Stanley Cup champions. Sorry leafers, George was a Hab.

 5.  Harry Lumley: Another great  Hall of Fame goalie name stolen by  the leaf. In his relatively short career in Laffland, Lumley won only 2 of his total 29 career playoff wins as a leaf. His only cup came as a RED WING.

 6.  Dave “Sweeney” Schriner: Led the league two times in scoring in his career as a NEW YORK AMERICAN.

 7.  Max Bentley: Led the league two times in scoring in his career as a BLACK HAWK.

 8.  Norm Ulman: 74 out of Normie’s 83 career playoff points were scored as a RED WING. Twice he led the playoffs in scoring as a RED WING.

 9.  Red Kelly: Kelly spent two thirds of his Hall of Fame career in Detroit. He won the Norris Trophy as the NHL’s best defenseman in 1954 as a RED WING. Maybe one reason the stupid leaf claims Kelly as their own is because no leaf has ever won the Norris Trophy.

10.  King Clancy: The only reason Clancy ever left the Ottawa Senators was because the Great Depression took its toll on Ottawa and Clancy was sold to the leaf for cash. Clancy won 2 of his 3 Stanley Cups as an Ottawa Senator where he played most of his career.

11.  Lanny McDonald: McDonald was unceremoniously dumped from the leaf in a trade that infuriated all of the fans and all of the players, including and especially captain Darryl Sittler who ended up ripping the leaf “C” from his jersey. McDonald’s only Cup and 500th career goal came as a CALGARY FLAME where he enjoyed most of his success.

12.  Bert Olmstead: Olmstead played for five Stanley Cup champions, four of them in MONTREAL. Twice he made second team All-Star, again as a CANADIEN, never a leaf.

13.  Marcel Pronovost: 16 out of his 21 NHL seasons and 4 out of his 5 Stanley Cups were garnered as a RED WING. Pronovost wore his RED WING jersey into the Hall of Fame, not the ugly leaf.

Frank Mahovlich is one of the names on the leaf HHOF list that’s a borderline case, but we’ll concede him to the leaf. If you know the tragic story of the “Big M”, you’ll agree, he is fittingly attached to Laffland.

One year early in his career, Mahovlich was set to become the second player in NHL history, behind Rocket Richard to score 50 goals in a single season. With 14 games remaining that year, Frank had accumulated 48 goals and seemed like a shoe-in for that magical 50 number. Then he choked. Stupid leaf fans never forgave him. They booed him mercilessly the rest of his leaf career no matter what he did. His coach, Punch Imlach constantly berated him. Frank ended up in the hospital twice suffering from nervous breakdowns and depression. When Mahovlich was traded out of Laffland he was ecstatic. He went on to have the best years of his solid NHL career in Detroit and then Montreal.

So why does the leaf now find it necessary to overstate its presence in NHL hockey history in this smarmy little way? Maybe because there have been 229 players inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame so far and this is their way of keeping the new and uninitiated young leaf fans from wondering why their team is relatively diminutive in hockey lore.

The leaf is kind of like that pukey little snot-nosed punk you used to see at the high school dance with tight pants and a sock stuffed down the front. Everyone could see he was just a punk with small genitals.

I know a guy who recently invented a bathroom shower door mirror with a concave curve in the middle. He claims it has the effect of making the mid-section of your body seem longer and bigger when you stand in front of it naked. So I asked him if he thought there was really a market for such an item. “Are you kidding, he said. This is Toronto. Ultra vain leaf fans will buy anything that makes their important parts appear much bigger than they actually are.”

That’s for sure.

I hate the leaf
Blow leaf blow

Leafhatred.